Sponge bath it is.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
