Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
