my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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