WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
