Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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