i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
two words: eviction party
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
