I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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