you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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