I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
How's work?
Spinning.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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