I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
