mondays should just be called national damage control day
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
