I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize