You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
