Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
