peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
