I wanna bring you to show and tell
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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