hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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