One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
