This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
