I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
