I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
