Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
