Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
