i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
