Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
