ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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