We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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