Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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