I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
