A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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