when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
