Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Sext me about skeletons
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
