my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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