Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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