Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
