the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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