ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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