Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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