The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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