Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Randomize
