I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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