Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
should my penis look like a turkey
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
