i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
