I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
