Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
