No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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