Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
