She is in my trunk
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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