I just pynch a tree in the face
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
