Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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