paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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