If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
