JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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