I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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