Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
