I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
