I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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