Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
