One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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