cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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