My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
