im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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