so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
