I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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