i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
