Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
