I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
